I often struggle with the concept of clinical diagnosis, in particular the common ones in our culture: anxiety and depression. My issue is simple: we too often take normal and valid feelings, that are part of the human experience, then medicalize them as problematic. The response then is to “get rid of” rather than be curious about what these emotions are trying to communicate to us. I have my own experience with on-again, off-again depression. When it’s at its worst, I’d certainly meet clinical criteria: a sense of hopelessness, low mood and motivation, isolation, wanting to sleep a lot but finding it evasive, lack of enjoyment for anything I have loved. You know the drill. But when we start to untangle the why, really look deeply at the list of ingredients making up this soup of depression (or anxiety or other struggles), we begin to realize that these feelings, in fact, make perfect sense. And they are trying to communicate something to us that deserves a listen. Rather than banish the depression or ignore the anxiety, we need to dig a little deeper. And your unique blend of experiences, or your soup (if you will), will help you figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself better. In my case, depression is almost ALWAYS trying to tell me I’m burnt out. It is the only part of me that will put me to bed, remove all pressure for productivity or replying to messages or emails. It wants or needs nothing from me except rest. Clients I work with might notice their depression is driven by underlying shame, or by feeling lost or stuck in their life. They might be carrying grief from losses not yet named or processed. Anxiety too- the world is a scary place right now, and we are so overly exposed to global and local traumas. Perhaps you didn’t feel safe in childhood and that fear has been carried in your body in your adult life. Perhaps you really are in an unsafe situation and your fear is trying to communicate this lack of safety to you. What I am trying to say is… A diagnosis of depression or anxiety does nothing to improve our well-being on a deeper level. We must become detectives of our own suffering. Only then can we learn to move with more self-compassion and grace, to set boundaries when needed, to let go of what we cannot control, to figure out what specialists we may need to see, to rest when we need to, to grieve the losses of our lifetime, and to feel the fears of uncertainty that we all face, every single day. This is where counselling helps. This is what we do. We help you untangle the mess, learn your ingredients, heal what needs to be healed so you can do what you need to do to feel better. Or to simply be with yourself more kindly when it hurts. Sending love,  Christina

“To be human is to survive love and loss.” – Francis Weller

The work we get to do is such a gift, often teaching me far more about the resilience of the human spirit than I give back with my empathy and my theory. Case in point: I have been working with this strong, wise woman for several years now. She endured a trauma in her younger years that is, without any doubt, horrifically unimaginable to the majority of us folks. During session a few weeks back, we were reflecting on this younger, traumatized version of herself, and also the courageous path she has travelled to become who she is today, and she stated: “The woman I am today is the friend I needed back then.” Pause for emphasis here. “The woman I am today is the friend I needed back then.” I was hit so squarely in the chest by this statement I teared up right there in session. To fully understand why I found this statement so profound, you have to understand what often lies at the very heart of my approach to trauma work. We must return, not to the trauma, but to the younger parts of ourselves that were deeply injured, betrayed, rejected, abandoned and shamed. We have to locate those young parts in our bodies and psyches and shower them with love and with all our adult wisdoms of compassion, protection, and understanding of children’s powerlessness in the face unsafe adults . We remind these young parts how brave they were. And we let them know it wasn’t their fault. This is where the healing happens. This is where transformation happens. This is what she’s done. Our vision statement at Expression Counselling is: “Transformational love of self and others.” And this young woman is fully living this vision. Because the second reason why her statement so darn profound is that she has taken her trauma and now uses it to serve and support others. She tells her story loud and proud. She is real and vulnerable. She lets people know they aren’t alone. She sits with the broken and loves them until they can love themselves. She is the friend she needed back then. This is how we transform. Not only ourselves, but the world. I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes by Patton Oswalt: “So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think: The good outnumber you, and we always will.” What a gift to do what we do. As always, wishing you peace. Christina Disclaimer: This post is published with the direct consent of the above-mentioned client. Her words: “I hope it helps others too.”

Just this past May I had a tad bit of a physical and mental health collapse. Dizzy spells, severe rosacea acne, crippling exhaustion, and all the moods a person can feel. I literally woke up in my hallway after a fainting spell and said to myself: “Self. Enough. Something has got to change.” So off I trotted to the doctor and also to my naturopath and they told me all the things that are typical for women my age to hear: iron levels low, cortisol levels flatlined, issues with my digestive system, hormones way out of whack, adrenal fatigue. You know, the usual. Loaded up with vitamins, antibiotics, Kombucha and a new personal trainer, I began the slow journey back to health. Which for the record, made me feel quite a bit worse before I felt better. I think women should know this. But the real question I want to address in this post is “ HOW ? ” How does a smart, capable, intelligent, HELPING PROFESSIONAL (i.e. should know better) burn herself to the ground? I’ve got a few thoughts on this… There’s the usual stuff: I said “yes” when I should have said “no.” I skipped meals in lieu of Venti Starbucks. I’m a regular woman, juggling the relentless demands of parenthood, career, and relationships. I put myself last on the priority list. Yada yada yada… All these things are true… yet, something happened to me during a personal training session recently that highlighted a stressor I had not considered: the weight of the stories we carry when we are helpers . Now don’t get me wrong, I love people’s stories, I am so deeply honored to be invited in to these stories. I believe all of us carry stories that are meant to be shared, as they join us in our humanity. Yet they do carry weight; there’s no denying it. I wouldn’t be the therapist I am if I didn’t feel deeply the injustice, grief, and anger of people's experiences. My trainer Sarrah, who is an angel of a human, had me hitting a heavy bag as part of my workout. I’m not much of a fighter so this was new to me. During this particular pounding session, seemingly out of nowhere, I started crying. At first I was quite embarrassed, but she was having none of my shame. She stopped correcting my form and told me just to hit the darn bag as hard and as long as I needed. So I did. And out of nowhere, this rage and grief started pouring out of me, punch after punch- all the tragedy and impossibly painful stories I hear in my practice. And it wasn’t just my counselling work, it was also the news stories of shootings, and children dying and overdose crisis and all the heaviness and wrongness and unfairness of the world that I carry in my big ol’ compassionate heart. It was the people who show up in my space imploring me to “fix” situations to which there is no solution, and it was the pressure I carry around trying to be good enough for these folks, to be useful to them. And for all of my self-awareness, I literally had no idea that I was packing around that much pain and pressure. I always thought: “I’m good. I’ve got good boundaries. I’ve got a supervisor I process stuff with.” Here’s a trauma truth from Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk: trauma lives in our bodies. If we want to take care of ourselves, talk processing is not enough. We have got to get our bodies moving. I have now been converted to the truth that there is no other way to stay healthy in the work besides getting physical. So here is my challenge to you helpers- and I mean you teachers, parents, nurses, social workers, youth care workers, best friends and spouses, and everyone else (you know who you are). As we enter back to our fall routines, I implore you to sign yourself up for a yoga class, a fitness class, HIIT class, or a running group. Anything! Just get your body moving so that you can keep on caring for your people. The world needs people like us to keep showing up. I’m happy to report I’m feeling much better these days. Big love to you all, Christina

At some point in all of our lives, we are at the centre of tragedy. We are the ones sitting in hospital rooms or police stations or funeral homes, shocked, bleary, hurting, broken, overwhelmed, numb, scared. Here’s the thing I’ve noticed though, and it brings me to my knees every time I see or hear of it: there is something quite beautiful that happens in these moments. Love shows up. I mean, like REALLY shows up. It shows up in meal trains and in text messages and in prayers. It shows up in Go Fund Me page donations and offers to watch the kids. It shows up in the space folks create for us to cry, to scream, or simply say nothing at all. It showed up in Milestone, Saskatchewan when 100 volunteers harvested a farmer’s crop after he suddenly passed away. It shows up and does exactly what needs to be done, no matter how big or how small the task. And when I say love shows up, what I mean is that YOU show up. WE show up. And that is pretty darn incredible, if you ask me. And this is how I know, despite all the ugly things we see and hear, despite our fears that all is falling apart: the world is good. People are inherently good. And life is beautiful and good. Glennon Doyle (and my dear friend, Esther) would call this Brutiful, and I couldn’t agree more.

“In the process of letting go, you will lose many things from the past, but you will find yourself.” - Deepak Chopra I have, in different moments of my life, in varying degrees, struggled with anger. Nothing anyone would really notice, I’ve not been aggressive or loud with anger. But it has lived a full life, locked tightly, I daresay trapped, in the contents of my brain. My anger prefers a pattern of looping, rumination, and at its worst, it is an exhausting mental obsession. I like to think of it as my own personal Kangaroo Court, played out in the crevices of my thoughts, following me throughout my day: getting ready for work, when I’m alone in the car, and at bedtime when I should be sleeping. If I’m being honest, I have hated this part of myself. I have longed for peace of mind, peace in my heart, yet felt so very powerless stopping these thoughts. The undoing of this battle (anger vs peace) came to me one afternoon, in the way that most great revelations do: sitting on my deck, feeling the warmth of the sunshine, in search of no answers at all. It is incredible what happens when we allow stillness into our world. Allow me to share: My anger was completely interconnected with my need to control. Boom. Now perhaps control is the wrong word, but it was the one that arrived during this particular epiphany. Clear as day. Interpreted as a form of self-centeredness that presumed everyone should think and act the way I expected them to. Whether I attempted to influence their behavior or simply assumed they should be better. (By the way, I’m referring to everyone in my world - my kids, partner, friends, colleagues, not-friends. You name it). It was made worse if I had told said folks how they should think, feel and behave, and they refused to jump on board with that. It was additionally aggravated when their behaviors seemed just so common sense wrong , and was out of control when they hurt me or the people I love. Continued reflection pointed out that my need to have everyone behave in a way that fit neatly within my own world view robbed me of happiness, forgiveness, peace, and connection. And it was something I literally had no power over. Crazy-making, eh? I started checking off all the people in my life to whom my anger had applied, and realized this was true. Every. Single. Time. Who’d have thunk it: I guess not all people have the same world view as me… Hmmmm. I guess not all people have the same priorities as me…. Hmmmm. I guess not all people give a hoot about my happiness or hurts…. Hmmmm. I suppose other people’s journey might be different than mine…. Hmmmmm. And spending all that time, mental energy and exuding this toxic stress was hurting only, well only hurting me…. Hmmmm. Interesting. And rather than dragging me into a pit of despair, this revelation lifted (what felt like) years of burdens from my mind, body and spirit. It put control back in its useful place, which ultimately was about personal responsibility for my own happiness, my responses to others, and setting necessary and appropriate boundaries. In other words, the things that actually fell within my scope of influence. If you’re interested in a few tips for how to begin a practice of letting go of control, here are my thoughts…. 1. Practice Acceptance We must accept reality exactly as it is and people exactly as they are. Imperfect, flawed, difficult, different than us, different than we would want it to be. 2. Choose your Choice Choose responding rather than ruminating . When someone pushes your buttons and triggers anger (or other emotions), pause and practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that this situation and/or person is challenging you, and that it’s hard and it hurts. Take some time to consider different responses that fall within your control, and then act from this place of clarity. This is how we reclaim our personal power. 3. Set some Boundaries Identify your boundaries. Remember that boundaries are limits we set to protect us from harm. If someone hurts us, or fails to live up to expectations, the only thing within our control is to (1) make sure our expectations are clear; and (2) put the necessary protections in place to limit the ability of folks to overstep or hurt us and the people we love. 4. Let go of Agenda and Outcome This is perhaps the hardest of all the tips. We must do our best to approach people and situations with curiosity and compassion, doing our best to let go of our own agendas, and trust that whatever the outcome, we can handle it. We are strong survivors of life. If this situation is about someone you love who is hurting, we must also trust that whatever they are going through is part of their journey. They are learning and growing from whatever suffering they are going through. Usually it is the hard stuff that turns us into more resilient, empathetic, loving beings. 5. Focus on Yourself and Your Life Do everything in your power to focus your energy and attention on all things wonderful about your life. Practice gratitude. Dig in the garden. Go on a weekend adventure. Enjoy the summer weather. Connect with your people. Set a goal. Do whatever it is that floats your particular boat 😊 This is a tough and complex topic that, at least for me, caused an unraveling of how I viewed and interacted with the world. I hope, at the very least, you pause and reflect. I wholeheartedly believe this is a necessary step in one’s journey towards a more playful and joyful life. As always, wishing you peace. Christina

"You are the one you’ve been waiting for.” – Richard C. Schwartz It’s my birthday today. 37 years old. I’m not going to lie, that number feels old to me. Perhaps mostly in that as the years pass, so too does the need to reflect on how we are spending these moments. I saw my own therapist this week too. For the record (and this is a little off topic), I think all people should have a therapist. I genuinely believe the world would be a better place if we all had someone to help us sort through the baggage we collect along our journey. Anyhow, back to my point: I seem to be stumbling over a repetitive emotional pattern that’s left me feeling quite exasperated. I mean seriously, I’m a freakin’ counsellor myself, what am I not getting? After describing this pattern to my guy, he said something like this: “Christina, you are one of the most intelligent people I know. You get the concepts, you’ve fully grasped all aspects of the issue, you understand how to do the work, but you are missing the key ingredient: love.” Love. My word. The moment that sentence left his mouth I knew this man-therapist-teacher-wise- human-angel just named my block. Love. I know how to love my children, and my husband, and my friends, and family, and even my clients (in a professional kind of way). I love people and the human experience- all of our resiliencies and strengths and flaws. But myself? He was right; love for myself has always been conditional. Only when I am perfect, and serene, and my house is clean, and I have slept well and ate well and exercised, and my work is organized, and I have been supermom do I allow myself a moment of self-love. I probably meet these conditions about 3 percent of my life. I don’t think I’m alone in this, being raised up as a woman in a culture of performance + appearance = self-worth. He then said something to me that resonated truer than most anything I have experienced in my life: You’re 37 years old. It’s time to love yourself differently. It is time. And so, on this birthday I am gifting myself a “Call to Love,” and I’m inviting you to join me in this. Because although there is a movement in society to love the lumps and bumps and wrinkles of our physical bodies, I’m not sure I have heard so much about the lumps and bumps of our inner landscape. So here it is, a Call to Love: (Please feel free to insert your own parts and pro-nouns, although I suspect you’ll hear some overlap) I vow to love all the parts of me. The dark crevice’s and the light combined. To love anger for its hard work standing up for me. For sadness, that allows space to grieve and heal. For the critic, who believes so desperately she is needed to keep me motivated. For the people pleaser, who is working hard to ensure I am good enough. For the workaholic, ensuring my family is supported and safe. For the worry, that tries to protect me from bad things happening. For procrastination and all the ways I shut down when the world is too much. For control, who is ultimately just very scared. For shame, that hurts me before others can. I vow to shower myself with compassion, generosity, grace, kindness and forgiveness, because each of these parts are a part of me, and they are welcome. They are worthy of love. I will love them all like a fierce mamma bear, because that is how I know how to love. If loving all these parts seems counterintuitive to you, I encourage you to consider the alternative, which usually looks like hating, shaming, stuffing, or avoiding these parts. In my experience, hurt begets more hurt, and no solution to living fully and with joy exists there. The irony of loving these parts also rests in this truth: the more we love them, the less they overwhelm us. So happy birthday to me, and may my gift to myself be also a gift to you. Today, I wish you nothing but…. you guessed it… great big enormous LOVE, Christina

"what is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives" - Rupi Kuar Sometimes I wonder if I did my children a disservice when they were little- measuring the slice of cake with a ruler, making sure their pieces were exact in size, weight and dollop of icing. Always mindful of the checks and balances- quality time with mom, amount of presents under the tree, time spent in the front seat of the car. If you have children, you know what I’m referring to. Fairness. Teaching them that life is fair, and more so, that I had the power to make it fair for them. Lie. Here is the issue: it is an undeniable fact that life is not fair. One need look no further than the evening news, or within the close circle of our friendships, or inside our own families to learn this truth. People we love die, spouses divorce us, we get diagnosed with cancer, we can’t get pregnant when we want to start a family, we experience violence against our bodies, people betray and let us down. Fact. We have been sold the lie that our lives should be free from suffering; drinking the Kool Aid that if we treat others well, pay our taxes, go to church, and follow the rules that we’ve earned a life of little hardship. And because we have so fully embraced this lie, we often get very angry at life and maybe at God and at anyone and everyone we can find to blame. We can find ourselves stuck in the “it ain’t right” and the “what ifs” and the “why me?” and the old classic… “IT’S NOT FAIR!” And these experiences aren’t right, and could have been different, and shouldn’t be happening to you and aren’t fair. Yet they happen anyway. And they also happen to everyone; this is simply a part of being human. Suffering is universal, part of the contract of living, whether we remember signing on the dotted line or not. The issue I take up with this lie is that it adds depths to the pain and despair of these moments. It keeps us stuck, it shuts down our ability to see goodness, it makes us afraid and closed off. It traps us from our personal responsibility to rise and heal ourselves. It steals our ability to find even fleeting moments of joy and gratitude. Now please do not misunderstand me, when pain comes our way, we need to feel all the feelings- anger, grief, betrayal, and even the numbness. Experiencing these feelings is a necessary part of the process that moves us toward healing. We must feel them deeply…. Then, (and this is the crux) ask ourselves this question: how can I respond to this moment with grace, courage and love? This is our task, my friends, when life rocks us to our core. Grace. Courage. Love. And hold on like hell to any moments of joy. Celebrate them. Express gratitude for them. They still exist and will return again if we allow ourselves to remain open. For those of you have gone through a trauma (or more than one), such as what I have described above, you know it irrevocably changes the way we experience the world. One day life feels safe and predictable, the next all has changed. A wonderful mentor of mine once said this to me: “Life has always been unfair, unpredictable, and full of hardship. The veil has simply been lifted for you. That’s called wisdom.” I need to give credit where credit is due as these lessons were gifted to me in my own moments of suffering. Thank you: Dave Phillips, Vikki Reynolds, Chris, Cath, Shawna, and my Onion ladies, you know who you are. As always, wishing you peace, Christina

I went to a training a while back, and as part of said training we watched a video on shame by a brilliant woman, Dr. Janina Fisher. Talking about shame has become more popularized by folks like Brene Brown and Oprah, but if you don’t “nerd out” by reading books and watching Ted Talks about emotional and spiritual growth (as I do) let me give you a quick run-down of the basics: · Shame and guilt are two different emotions. Guilt, considered healthy, is the uncomfortable feeling we get when we have transgressed our own values. Perhaps we have harmed someone, or lied, perhaps not been as true to our integrity as we should have been. It is about behavior , and it pushes us to make amends and do better. · Shame, on the other hand, is often a full-body wave of worthlessness. I personally believe it is the most painful feeling of feelings. Shame is a belief that we ourselves are somehow inherently flawed, unlovable, dirty, disgusting and generally less-than everyone else. Shame is triggered by rejection, humiliation, making mistakes, and exposure (as in, having others see our less-than self). As a therapist, but also simply as a human, I’m relatively well-versed on the concept of shame. But on that rainy night of training, Janina Fisher said something that literally blew… my… mind. She started with: “shame is triggered by criticism, negative feedback, mistakes…” (blah blah blah, I get it) “… and success, visibility, self-assuredness, and when we are proud and happy.” SAY WHAT??!!! Happy? Proud? Success? How could shame be at the centre of these positive experiences? As I sifted this crazy idea through my understanding of shame, I realized how much it made sense. If one struggles with an underlying, lingering, vulnerability to shame and worthiness, then any form of exposure- even the good stuff, can be terrifying. Receive accolades, believe you’re not deserving (and, ugh, that people will find out). Enter a new and happy relationship, experience the fear of being exposed as bad or (worse) unlovable. Demonstrate pride, and fear the backlash of a culture that values humility and would accuse us of arrogance. Struggling with worthiness can permeate all facets of life, so why would our moments of greatness be exempt? In fact, these moments simply make us more vulnerable to exposure, rejection, mistakes and all things terrible that trigger shame. It’s a lot safer to keep our feet off any pedestals than risk falling off one. So why is this news flash (and for me, profound “lightbulb moment”) important? In grade school these days we are teaching children to name their feelings because we know that correctly naming and identifying an emotion is the first step to regulating, working with, and healing it. Otherwise, we are flying blind and very much at the whim of whatever feeling is running the show. What I’ve found is that a lot of folks are naming all sorts of feelings as anxiety, depression, and anger (to name a few) that when distilled to their purest form, end up being shame. It is particularly mystifying for people whose lives are otherwise going quite well to struggle with a general emotional malaise or desperate flood of awful feeling and not understand the source. I challenge you to reflect. Is it possible that the root source of your own difficulties with anxiety, depression, anger, people pleasing, or control might actually be about shame? You’ll know this to be the case if worthiness and exposure are involved. Think self-sabotage, difficulties accepting compliments or praise, or gross feelings when you dare to "take up space" in the world and shine. Healing shame is a process, and certainly not one addressed by this post. But the first, and I daresay, one of the most important steps of this process is accurately recognizing and naming it. In that alone we can experience some freedom. As always, wishing you peace, Christina

I’m not sure what it is about November, but it just seems to be a hard month for people. Like clockwork, our referrals go through the roof this time of the year. Perhaps it’s the waning daylight, or the cold, perhaps students (school-aged and university alike) are just far enough into the year that the inspired feeling and new book smell has faded, perhaps it’s the pending stress of the Christmas season- trying to sort out plans with family, the prospect of facing Christmas with a loved one gone, or worrying about the practical costs of the whole thing. And I don’t know about you, but it just seems like there’s a lot of really tough stuff happening in people’s lives right now. Whatever the case may be, November just seems to test a lot of folks. If you’re like many of us struggling with the November blues, we’ve got a few tips to get you through this time of year: Tip 1: Gratitude If you haven’t started a gratitude journal or practice of some kind, it’s time. Brené Brown, one of our professional crushes, found in her research that gratitude is the pre-requisite, as in, it is required , to feel and experience joy in our lives. With brains hardwired to focus on the bad, we must actively pay attention and shift our focus to the million miracles happening in our life every day. Your gratitude practice needs to be intentional, and it needs to be daily. Tip 2: Do something different If hiding out and isolating is what you’ve been doing, pick yourself up off that couch and engage in a different type of activity. Dance. Write. Listen to music. Learn to knit. Find something to laugh at (my personal favorite is Jimmy Fallon lip sync battles). Take yourself out for a walk. Make a coffee date with friends. This act of getting moving can drastically change your mood. If, on the other hand, you’ve been ignoring the warning cries of your and body pushing yourself too hard, slow down. Give yourself permission to cocoon up for a night or for the weekend. Drink that tea. Read that book. Binge that show. Tip 3: Practice self-compassion When feeling the blues, it is often a result of our inner critic trying to convince us that we are not worthy or deserving, calling us lazy or stupid or all sorts of painful things. Practice speaking kindly to yourself, as kind as you would to a friend or your children. Same goes for anxiety. Take a deep breath and let it know you’re safe and capable. Breathe. Be gentle with yourself. Tip 4: Get those boundaries in place What do you want or need to get the most out of this Christmas season? What does your budget look like? Whose company do you need to limit? Let that “people pleasing” part of you know that it’s not only okay, but necessary for you to take care of yourself. You have a right to a magical (or at the very least, one with as little stress as possible) holiday season too. Tip 5: Speaking of stress- get a handle on it Several great time-management ideas came my way after watching a Ted Talk by Rory Vaden. Are there things in your life you can automate (automatic billing, online grocery shopping), or strategies you can implement to add more hours in your life such as delegating tasks or checking your emails less frequently? Be mindful of procrastination and set an intention to work your way through that to-do list. This will help life feel a lot less overwhelming and will have you back-patting yourself for your daily accomplishments. If other life stress has got your blood pressure up, go back to basics: water, nutrition, sleep, exercise, breathe. One day at a time. Tip 6: This too shall pass. Remind yourself of that. This too shall pass. Different seasons of life, just like seasons of the year, inevitably come and go. If nothing else, know that you are not alone. As always, wishing you peace, Christina

Embed a gratefulness practice into your daily life.

Some time ago I had a personal epiphany I’d like to share with you in the hopes my growth and learning could be of use, or that you might find some of your truth in my own. I have always really sucked at setting boundaries and not been entirely clear why that is. In most instances, boundary violations were small, like paper cuts, and never seemed worth the potential conflict to address them. So I would sit in my discomfort and resentment until those paper cuts grew to gaping wounds. From there I tended to respond in one of two ways: cut and run far far away from the relationship, or flip-out and come across as an irrational, crazy person. As you can imagine, neither of these responses have been particularly helpful for my personal growth or the development of healthy relationships. Before I disclose much more, it might be helpful to share my definition of boundaries with you. It is: The ability to set limits with people about what is and is not acceptable to protect the various dimensions of our lives including (but not limited to): our bodies, relationships, time, emotions, life stories, money, roles, physical space, and belongings. (I’m going to break this down those dimensions in more depth at the end of this post; you can read more about it if you’re interested.) If you apply this definition to your own life, you might realize that in some of these dimensions, setting boundaries comes quite easily. You can say “no” at work to protect your home life, if someone borrows something of yours and wrecks it, you can ask them to replace it, no problem. However, you might also find that in particular dimensions of your life, or with particular people, setting boundaries invokes a whole lot of fear and discomfort. In my case, when people overstep my “role” boundary of being a mother, or in close personal relationships where I fear losing that connection, setting boundaries has been near impossible. Reflecting on this dilemma brought forth a light bulb, life-changing epiphany. For those of you who took Psych 101, you might recall learning about Cooley’s “looking glass self.” The general idea of this theory is that the way we perceive ourselves is based on the way others see us. Our perception of self is reflected back to us in the thoughts and feelings of others. Our brains are also wired to remember the bad and disregard the good, so typically those negative reflections stand out much more profoundly than the positive. In my life, not only did those negative reflections stand out, but I believed them to be TRUTH . Not in every area of my life, but certainly in judgments about my motherhood, and certainly in close relationships with people who know me very well (notice these are the areas where I struggled the most with boundaries). Thus to maintain my sense of self, and sense of self-worth in these very vulnerable areas required ensuring the looking glass always reflected positive things about me. Otherwise I was flooded with shame, an emotion one typically tries to avoid at all costs. And that is a tiring dance, my friends, a dance that also gives away a lot of personal power. Plus, sometimes people just aren’t going to like you. I had to learn to stop giving these people the power to define who I was. I had to fix the broken looking glass so that at the end of the day, only my perception of self mattered. This is how my story connects to boundaries: setting boundaries is nearly impossible if you lack a sense of self and self-worth. This is the foundation of boundaries, the first and most important step. If you have not developed a strong connection with self, the skills to self-validate, and the confidence to keep you rooted in who you are, you will struggle in this area. My process of connection with self has been a slow one. It grew when I became a mom. It thrived when I found passion in education. It blossomed through meditation and connection to spirituality. It continues to flourish through passions and interests, and grows deeper and more rooted surrounded by a few good people who know and love all of me. And I’m happy to report, boundaries aren’t so hard these days. I hope some of my journey might illuminate some of your path as well. Until next time, Christina * Read on below if you are interested in more information about boundaries

Escape. We all do it from time to time, in different degrees, and with varying consequences. Escape to Netflix for hours and days, escape to our smart phones, escape in too much wine or whiskey or maybe drugs. Escape to flirtations or affairs, to online poker, or real life poker, or shopping, junk food or just too much food, sleeping, sex, pornography. Some of us escape into our work, into video games, even into exercise. Most use a cocktail of the above. The escape I am referring to has one purpose: to hide us from our suffering , to avoid the painful and uncomfortable emotions of loneliness, shame, fear, anger, boredom, powerlessness, and grief. Escape on its own is not necessarily a bad thing. When life is overwhelming, it’s normal, and can even be healthy, to engage in activities that distract us from our emotions. This is particularly relevant for people who feel their emotions very deeply. The body needs time to calm down so we can engage with any given situation with a little wisdom. Also, sometimes to function in day-to-day life means we simply can’t open the box where we’ve stuffed our big bad feelings. To pay the bills and feed the kids we must adopt some form of compartmentalization and escape strategies. Yet escape is a slippery slope, and unresolved emotions have a way of surfacing in ugly ways. The issue with escape is that it disconnects us from ourselves . It removes our actions from our inner truth, our highest self, and from who and what we want to be. And it often creeps in gradually, in increments, and takes us by surprise. Suddenly we notice the disconnect between our values and behavior. And it’s not pretty. Well, in fact it’s usually pretty shameful. And shame, my friends, only begets more shame, and more harmful behavior, and more escaping, and more mess. This is a dangerous way to live. Because although the consequence might be minor (no groceries and a messy house because you fell down the Netflix rabbit hole), they can also be grave (think broken families, lost employment, relationships and self-worth). Therefore, we are called to face those things we avoid. More so, we are called to face ourselves. We are called to experience and process our pain. And it hurts, and it’s frightening, and it’s raw. Yet the alternative is worse. Here are some thoughts on what this looks like: Find a place where you know you are able to connect to yourself. For me, it’s a creek that’s near my home. For others, it might be the ocean, inside a Church or other place of worship, or perhaps a calm place inside your home. Release judgments about yourself and your behavior. Stop the script of shame. Instead approach your feelings, thoughts and behaviors from a place of curiosity and exploration. What lead me to this place? Why am I making these decisions? What do I need to stop doing and what support do I need to make that reality? To process our feelings means acknowledging the harm that was done to us, the harm we experienced, and/or the harm we have caused. Acknowledge and accept we cannot change the past. We cannot change many circumstances. We cannot change others. We must accept what has been and what is. Identify the feelings in your body. Name them. What emotions are you holding onto? What feelings need to be felt? What pain needs to be released? Cry. Ugly cry. Get mad. Yell into the abyss. Punch pillows. Repeat as needed. Identify what makes life beautiful to you. What (even small) pleasure can you feel gratitude for? Talk it out with your partner or a friend you trust. Bad feelings grow big in isolation and smaller when shared. Intimacy is balm for a broken heart. Commit to a daily meditation or mindfulness practice to grow connection with self. Identify the difference between escaping behavior and good fun. The difference: we don’t experience shame and disconnection if it’s good fun. Take good care of yourself, whatever that looks like. Eat good food, go for walks, spend time in nature and with people who love you. Please know that when facing big emotions, often we feel worse before better. All of those escape strategies have served to keep us safe and protected. With those removed, pain can feel overwhelming and hopeless. This is normal, and yet please seek support. Don’t go it alone! My wish for you is that you feel grounded, calm, and connected to yourself and others. There is peace there. Take good care, Christina *Disclaimer - If going through this process brings up suicidal thoughts or feelings, please contact a professional or tell someone who you trust so you can be cared for appropriately.

Too many relationship atrocities are committed in the name of love. I’ve seen it in my own life, and I’ve seen it in the counselling space. Partners who judge, criticize, control, demean, betray, and ignore. Couples who treat each other with complete and utter disdain and contempt. When I meet these people I always ask: “Why do you stay? What keeps you together?” More often than not, if it’s not for the children, the response is: “Well, I love them.” Now being humbly and imperfectly human, I cannot claim to be an expert on love. In the deepest part of my spiritual self, I believe love is the ultimate life lesson. A life lesson that often seems impossibly hard to achieve in the face of such challenging demands on our physical and emotional selves. Nevertheless, I think it is what we should each aspire towards, each day. Now this will come as no surprise to anyone who has actually been in a long-term relationship, but we have been fed a whole lot of garbage about love and romance. And the greatest lie of all: love is a feeling. People! Feelings are fickle creatures. With our partners we can feel passion, affection, intimacy, anger, resentment, emptiness, and then back to passion again, all in the same week. Plain and simple, love is much more than a feeling. Love is a verb. Love is an action. Love is a choice. One we make every day. Love is something we give . And hopefully, when we are out there picking our life partners, we pick one who is capable of giving love back in return. Now that, my friends, is the makings of a happy, healthy, relationship. What are the actions of love? The best description I’ve come across is from an often cited biblical verse that I think holds relevance for everyone, regardless of spiritual beliefs. About love, Corinthians 13:4-8 says: It is patient It is kind It does not envy It is humble It does not dishonor It is selfless It is not easily angered It does not keep score It is full of truth and honesty It protects It perseveres And I’d like to add: It accepts unconditionaly It respects It takes responsibility It forgives Love calls us out of a pattern of taking, blaming, and victimhood (no easy task given our programming), and instead requires us to embody those above characteristics. If you are in a relationship that is on the rocks, or maybe you’re struggling with the thought: “I don’t even know if I love them,” or simply, perhaps you recognize there’s room for growth in your relationship, there are some questions you can ask yourself to guide you on this journey. On most given days (taking into account some days are less than our best, and certain life seasons requires one partner gives more): Am I able and willing to be patient and kind? Am I able and willing to accept all of my partner, even the bits I don’t particularly like? Am I willing to protect them? Am I willing to be truthful and honest? Have I dealt with my own emotional baggage so anger, jealousy, manipulation, and control are kept to a minimum? Can I love without keeping score? Can I take responsibility for my actions and shortcomings? Can I forgive and move forward without resentment? I won’t offer up advice on how to proceed once you’ve worked through these questions because each relationship holds within it complex histories and dynamics. What I can say, is that both you and your partner deserve a relationship where you can answer “yes” to the above questions. If your answers lean towards “no” or land in grey areas, it’s likely a signal that personal work and/or relationship choices need to be made. What I also want to make clear, is that it’s not a personal failing if you cannot answer “yes.” If we are in relationship with a person who is unable to embody the characteristics of love, and unwilling to acknowledge the harm they are causing, it is okay if we love ourselves enough to say “no.” What I also want you to take from this blog is that love is not an elusive thing. It is within you, always. If you are struggling in relationship, I can’t overemphasize seeking support and guidance. Relationships can be both the hardest, and most beautiful thing in the world. Wishing you peace, Christina

Let’s be honest. There are moments when life becomes too much: too hurried, too chaotic, too overwhelming, too much of a grinding climb… just simply too much. Whatever your story may be, these moments come. I might even say they are inevitable. This is not because I have a bleak perspective on life, but rather an honest appreciation for what life involves and a deep admiration for those who face it straight on. Work demands become overwhelming. Family gets sick and face critical diagnoses. Loved ones pass. Kids face challenges. The roadmap to parenting gets lost. Bank accounts don’t balance. Roofs leak and cars break down. Friendships change, marriages struggle, and breakups hurt. Injuries slow us down. Insecurities bubble up. Houses need to be sold, bought, or rented (which means purged, cleaned and packed). Permission slips need to be signed and sports games coached. Reports written, meetings facilitated, and oh, don’t forget that medical exam that has been taunting you for the last two months. And why is it that old emotional wounds come screaming to the surface during these already trying times? Ok, so assuming I’m not the only one nodding my head to some of this, let’s sink into the idea that we all face crunch times that are chaotic and disorienting. But what do we do when we’re gasping for breath as we face our “this is too much?” This post carries no quick fix or catchy 3-step process to alleviate this weight… an expected staple of any successful blog post, I know. Rather than the typical to-do list of self-care, I invite you to become curious of what helps anchor you in turbulent seasons. Anchors are those things that provide stability and security. They are those people/places/things that bring about comfort, a feeling of home and an experience of peace. Without strong anchors, the storms of life can derail us. So the challenge: What are those things that help steady us when we’re being tossed around in the winds of life? What core values and beliefs do we cling to? In what activity do we escape to gain perspective and connect with ourselves? Whose voice calms the heart? Whose words speak affirmation and encouragement? Which quote or piece of writing cuts through the chaos with words of truth? Whose embrace helps silence the noise? What goals remind us of what we’re striving for? What memory needs to be relived to bring calm to the moment? Which place is our safe haven in which we seek refuge? Which friends can we seek out to fill us with laughter and adventure? Who might we need to be vulnerable with and share the struggle? Connecting to anchors won’t necessarily make stormy moments disappear but they definitely help us ride out the waves. They can hold us firm and allow us to stand a little stronger. I invite you to consider what your anchors are and tether yourself to them. Safety can be found here. Journeying with you, Laurie

In the past two weeks I have sat on the periphery of two heartbreakingly tragic and unexpected deaths. Deaths that have left permanent gaping holes in the hearts of people I love. Death has always served as a bit of a wake-up call. We all say “you could get hit by a bus tomorrow” but deep down don’t really think it will happen. So we take the day for granted. We take our relationships for granted. We complain about things that don’t matter like the traffic and Monday mornings. We wait. We wait for the next best thing, for this to settle down or that to work out. We live in the past and the future and not in this moment. Although this quote is more negative than the ones I usually gravitate towards, it just rings such truth to what I am trying to convey today: “We are all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by our trivialities. We are eaten up by nothing.” - Charles Bukowski. So today I’m reminding you: Every ordinary day is a miracle and these ordinary days are the entirety of your life. You can choose right this second to be both feet in, fully present in these moments. You can change your mood by putting on a great song, going out for a walk, or doing something kind for someone else. Choose forgiveness and hold on for dear life. Assume the best of everyone and experience that freedom. Appreciate every second you get to spend with the people you love. Go do that thing you’ve always wanted to do. Do it now. Sign up for it today. Stop hating on the bits of yourself you don’t like. Believe that you are freaking awesome and carry that confidence around in the world. We leave behind our art and our love. So find your craft. And spread kindness, compassion and love like confetti at a wedding, in every interaction. I know my words are nothing more profound than something else you ventured across in your daily facebook scroll, but I implore you to stop and listen, reflect and act. As much as we think we are entitled to grow old, the Universe doesn’t always work that way. Find the extraordinary in today. Today is your life. With all my love to those deep in grief, you know who you are. Christina

This blog really has two purposes. Laurie and I want to provide you with some thoughts and ideas to help you tweak those places in your life that aren’t going as well as you’d like. We want to help reduce your suffering, in whatever form it takes, and inspire hope and courage to live your best life. The other purpose is so you get to know us. Then, when you or someone you know could use some counselling support, you feel like you know a few good people with some skills. I’d like to share my own personal “Vision Statement” with you, for the purpose of meeting those two above objectives. The first relates to living a rich life, free of regret. Often, in the midst of daily to-do lists we miss the big picture of our lives. I often ask clients: “At the end of your life, what will have been important? What do you want others to say about you?” What experiences must you live so you can die without regret?” Taking time to write your own vision statement, or think deeply about these questions is one way to ensure you are living your life on track. The second, as I mentioned above, is because I want you to know me, and honestly, this statement is the heart of who I am as a human being. Plus, I am pretty darn proud of this piece of writing :) So enjoy! And take some time to ponder your own vision, for your own precious life. Cheers, Christina

Here is the last of this four-part series applying The Four Agreements to middle school girls. I’ve found it really rewarding to immerse myself in these concepts again. I hope you have found some useful stuff within my words. To re-cap, we are working with our middle school girls to: Not talk about others behind their backs Not take things personally (except when they need to take responsibility) To check the story they tell themselves about any given situation To do their own personal best This last agreement ultimately says that if we give each day our best, we eliminate those gross feeling of guilt and shame that plague us when we have done less than what we are capable of. What I love about this agreement is that there is also much space for self-compassion. It reminds us that “our best” looks different on different days. Some days we are sick, fatigued, shorter-tempered, vulnerable etc. Those days are okay too. This agreement requires very little translation on my part. What I will add instead is some emphasis: Agreement 4: Always do your best Translation: Always do YOUR best In my counselling space, I tend to see girls who sit strongly on either side of the “doing your best” continuum. On one end, girls are literally hurting themselves as a means of coping with the pressure to perform; a pressure from themselves, the school, their athletic team, and adults in their life. I see girls who cut themselves, pull out their hair, don’t eat and all sorts of other painful self-harming strategies (strategies that actually do help reduce anxiety, by the way). It’s typically the new awareness of one of these strategies that brings parents hustling kids to my office. This next section is not meant to be parent-blaming, yet parents do need to consider the role they play in this pressure process. Let’s be real, we often feel pretty good about ourselves if our kids are successful: winners, straight A students, in leadership groups at school, etc. We feel proud. We are validated as “good” parents. My daughter is a complete perfectionist and driven toward A’s (wonder where she gets that from?), and I am constantly checking in with myself, and with her, to make sure she doesn’t think my love and approval is based on these concrete, measurable successes. We also need to say (and believe) these words: “It is not the end of the world if you do not get an A on your math test. Study hard, do your best, and the sun will rise again if your mark is less than stellar.” My colleague Laurie wrote a previous blog post about perfectionism. She distinguished perfectionism from a personal drive for excellence by saying perfectionism is grounded in shame and fear. Ultimately it is a fear of being rejected or not worthy. It is really important that girls are not getting that message from us. We help our girls strive for excellence from within themselves by: Encouraging competition with the self only. There will always be smarter, stronger, and faster girls out there. Possibly for you athletes, this one might be tough to swallow. But what I am ultimately saying is that if our kids train, study, and push themselves toward their own personal best, there is never anything to feel shame about. Teaching compassion for themselves when their best may not have measured up to their own personal standards. I teach kids this by bringing awareness to their self-talk. If their self-talk is hyper critical I try to teach them to speak to themselves the way they would talk to a friend or loved one. I also position that self-talk as a bully. Would they let a bully speak to them or a friend this way? Probably not. Making sure she has some down time to just be a kid. This one is big. In ensuring our kids are well-rounded with plenty of opportunity for success we have maxed them out with commitments. They are tired and stressed out. I think we forget how hard middle school is. It is not easy going through puberty, balancing homework and extra-curricular activities, and dealing with the drama of being a teenager. On the other end of the “doing your best” continuum I see girls giving up, avoiding school, quitting activities they once enjoyed, and gravitating towards high-risk peers, drugs and alcohol. How do we motivate these girls to become re-invested in life? To do their best when TV watching seems to be the priority? By investing in our relationship with them. Often when girls have gone off-track it’s due to a lack of connection, belonging, or experience of success in those mainstream institutions. It’s within a caring, connected relationship we can help steer kids back towards safer and smoother paths to adulthood. However, this is often when parent’s fears ramp up. And how to we tend to respond when we are afraid? Control. Punishments like grounding, taking away cell phones and internet privileges rarely (i.e. do not) motivate kids to re-invest in life. You conveying your belief in them does. Providing opportunities to try new things and explore different interests. I have seen a few incredible turn-arounds for kids when they find a passion to invest in. You might have to get creative and persistent, you might need to let them bring their peers along with them to try something new (even peers you don’t much like), but keep trying until you find something that gets them excited. I love the quote by Einstein: “Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” You and your girl need to keep looking until you find her genius. As a quick aside, if you suspect your girl might be self-harming it is really important to seek out the help of a professional. These professionals will help determine the level of risk and provide you and your daughter with the much needed support to reduce or eliminate these behaviors. So that’s a wrap on this series, folks. I really cannot express enough my gratitude for reading, liking and sharing these posts. And my goodness, the tasks these four agreements challenge us to rise to are certainly not always the easy path! Yet they are the worthwhile path, the loving path, the compassionate path. And regardless of your girl’s developmental stage, with your support, she is capable of learning to live life in this particular way. As always, wishing you peace, Christina

Welcome to part 3 of my 4 part series breaking down The Four Agreements for middle school girls. The third agreement tells us not to make assumptions. In reflecting, I think it is actually the most complex of all 4. I am going to start this one off by ensuring we have the same understanding of what assumptions are, how and why they get made, and how dangerous they are. If you’re unclear you might find it really challenging to address this concept with your girls. I want you to consider someone in your life with whom you may be in conflict with. This might be a colleague, your mother-in-law, your partner etc. Someone whose actions just really push your buttons. When someone else’s behavior bewilders or confuses us or when we just can’t make sense of it, what we tend to do is imagine an explanation. We write a story. This story does not require proof; our imaginations are excellent at filling in the gaps. To add fuel to the fire, when we don’t like someone we also tend to assume the worst of them. So when someone offends us, it tends to sound like this: You: “They are doing [insert action] intentionally to mess with me/exclude me/be mean etc.” Sometimes we even add something like: “They are crazy/bad/mean [insert judgment on character].” This is us making an assumption about motivation, intention and character. Out of this, a predictable pattern unfolds: We create story We take that story personally We believe that story is TRUTH We get angry, self-righteous, upset We vent that story to people we like Then the drama is on. Can you see the danger? Without any evidence we can create quite a cruel story about people and present it as truth. You can also see how this agreement overlaps with the previous two when we talk about others behind their backs and make things needlessly about us. A few other key points about assumptions: First, expectations and assumptions go hand-in-hand. We assume our partner knows we want roses for Valentine’s Day, we expect them, and then become disappointed, hurt, and angry when we are given carnations. You get the point. Second, we assume everyone else should see and interpret life the way we do. The reality is, although culturally we have a general set of shared values and beliefs, there is certainly much discrepancy. We therefore have different expectations, ideas, and ways of understanding and responding to situations and relationships. BUT I have digressed far from middle school girls, so let me bring it back for you: Agreement 3: Don’t make assumptions Translation: Not everything you think you know is true A discussion to have with your girls at any time is to let them know sometimes our thoughts lie to us. Sometimes we can be very sure of things, jump to conclusions, and believe whole heartedly in our “rightness.” Sometimes our thoughts lie to us about all sorts of things. Kids need to learn how to check in with themselves and others about the truth of their assumptions. How to work through this with your girls: When your girl is in the middle of painful drama and you sense she made some assumptions about the nature of the motivation, intention and character of the other person, there is one miracle question to help tease this out: “How do you know for sure?” How do you know for sure she doesn’t like you? How do you know for sure she thinks she’s a better dancer? How do you know for sure she started the rumor? How do you know for sure your teacher hates you? What proof do you have to back this up? If your girl has evidence to back it up, perhaps she overhead a conversation, was told directly or has some other hard and fast proof, you do what you do as a loved one: provide comfort and safety, distract her by finding a fun activity, help her decide what she wants to do and what role she wants you to play, and remind her “hurt people hurt people” to perhaps help her find some compassion. If, on the other hand, she stumbles, fumbles, and stutters to back up her story (she might resort to name calling, or simply shut down in her conversation with you) there are some other ways you might respond: The first thing you absolutely have to do is validate your girl’s feelings. You do not have to validate her behavior, but you need to let her know you care about her. Only when she feels emotionally safe and supported can you move forward with any problem solving or consideration of other perspectives. Ask her if there are other parts of the story she might not have considered. For example: Is there something going on for the other person? Might she have done something unintentionally to offend them? Is there any possibility of oversensitivity or misinterpretation of the situation? Is there some information she does not have? Try to support your girls to presume good intentions first rather than jump to negative conclusions. This is a bad habit we all need to break, I’m sure. AND, the most difficult, but most important thing you can do is to help her find the courage to ask or clarify her assumptions with the other person involved. At the end of the day, we want to teach our kids to approach conflict in a non-confrontational way, rather than avoid it. In the first blog post, I gave a few suggestions on conflict-approaches. Try using those. Another key point for those difficult conversations goes back to expectations. Remind your kids they can’t expect others to know what they are thinking, feeling and needing. They are responsible for communicating those emotions and needs. And finally, remember we need to model this behavior for our kids. If they see you jumping to conclusions and venting about others, they learn an unhealthy and painful way of navigating life. Best of wishes to you and your girls as you learn to check your assumptions, find the courage to ask the right questions, and choose compassion. Until next week, Christina

Last week I started a four part series applying the principles of The Four Agreements to middle school girls. I was very humbled and overwhelmed by the positive feedback from the last post, so thank you for reading, liking and sharing. This second agreement tells us not to take anything personally. In essence, it argues everything others do, say, think, and feel, is about their personal experience and worldview. We experience more hurt than necessary when we internalize other people’s stories about us. And I agree with this fully… except for this nagging feeling that sometimes we say and do unkind things, even unintentionally, so when we are rejected or in conflict with others, sometimes there is need to consider our part. So, here it is the second translated agreement: Agreement 2: Don’t take anything personally Translation: It’s not about you, except when it is This whole idea of “it’s not about you” is a really tough one to wrap your head around, especially when we are rejected or bullied. Let me try to break down this concept: Say a girl is having a tough time at home (her parents are divorcing, unloving, or under a lot of stress), or she secretly hates her body because it doesn’t look like girls on TV or like the popular girls at school, or she’s struggling with her grades, or had something really bad happen to her when she was younger that she hasn’t worked through yet. She might feel any of the following emotions (perhaps towards you, or perhaps just generally): Threatened Jealous Annoyed Insecure Lonely Anxious Afraid Angry Powerless Stupid When we have trouble naming these emotions and communicating them in an effective way, or when communicating them won’t change anything anyways, we might resort to passive-aggressive or even downright aggressive behaviors: Gossiping Rejecting/excluding Judging Bulling Snapping Glaring Bossing Fighting So if you are on the receiving end of those passive-aggressive or aggressive behaviors, it can feel like it’s about you (because it is directed at you), but it is really about the other things happening for that particular girl. It’s not just young people who do this. Us parents have bad days and might take our frustration out on you, teachers too. The bottom line is: When people are giving you a hard time, it’s not about you, it’s about what is going on inside them. Why this is hard: Often when people don’t like us, reject us, are rude, or bully us, they are able to hit a nerve about an insecurity we already have about ourselves. It becomes easier to believe them and own their painful story of us. The goal then is to build a layer of self-protection so that we are able to shrug off other people’s bad behavior as a reflection of them, and not take it personally. Adults, what can you do? Here are 2 concepts you can consider/present to kids to help them deal with these issues: Hurt people hurt people. Man, I wish someone had told me this in grade 9! The reality is, people who are secure, confident, and happy simply do not feel the need to be unkind to others or start drama. Those kids who may be causing trouble for our kid is likely hurting in some way. We can remind our kids to remember this as well. Adolescents are self-absorbed. All of them. They are supposed to be. It is their natural stage of development. So when they are worried, thinking everyone is looking and talking about them, so is every other kid too. I’ve found it helpful for my daughter and other girls I work with to consider that everyone is feeling a heightened sense of attention and vulnerability. Now let’s consider those times when maybe it is, actually about us… Maybe you have been bragging a lot about getting straight A’s to a friend who struggles with school, or maybe you told a lie, or ditched someone for another friend at lunch. Probably, deep down you know you’ve done something that’s hurtful. It takes a lot of bravery to look at yourself and admit you’ve made a mistake. Grown-ups, your girls will need a lot of support in the area of self-reflection because it can be a painful, vulnerable process… a lifelong one at that. Some strategies to support self-reflection: Have your girls pick out their top 5 values in friendship. Some examples might be: honesty, fun, quality time, compassion, fairness, humility (Google has value lists if you need some direction). When they are struggling with peer dynamics, have them look at their values list and consider if they are living up to those values. Make sure you let her figure it out for herself, you don’t need to point out her flaws (as I’ve said, this can be a painful, hard process and your girls need to feel safe with you). If they’ve fallen short, help them come up with a strategy to make amends or do things differently in the future. And please teach them self-compassion, we all make mistakes. Teach your kids to name their feelings. The research says being able to name feelings and identify where they are in the body is the first step to managing these feelings in a mature, healthy way. This way they avoid being the hurt person who is hurting people. Put a lot of effort into relationship with your girls. Trust me when I say they need and want you more than ever. Take them for hot chocolate, ask curious questions about their day, be open and non-judgmental about their experience (even if sometimes their actions don’t line up with your values). They need a safe place to process mistakes, learn, and grow their confidence as young women. Good luck working through these complex concepts with your girls (and boys too, if it fits)! And parents, good luck not taking the emerging eye rolls, sass and attitude personally either! I’m sure that applying these principles and strategies will help your children feel more secure, confident, and grow in their friendships and their relationship with you. Until next week, Christina