"what is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives" - Rupi Kuar

Sometimes I wonder if I did my children a disservice when they were little- measuring the slice of cake with a ruler, making sure their pieces were exact in size, weight and dollop of icing. Always mindful of the checks and balances- quality time with mom, amount of presents under the tree, time spent in the front seat of the car. If you have children, you know what I’m referring to. Fairness. Teaching them that life is fair, and more so, that I had the power to make it fair for them.

Lie.

Here is the issue: it is an undeniable fact that life is not fair. One need look no further than the evening news, or within the close circle of our friendships, or inside our own families to learn this truth. People we love die, spouses divorce us, we get diagnosed with cancer, we can’t get pregnant when we want to start a family, we experience violence against our bodies, people betray and let us down. Fact.

We have been sold the lie that our lives should be free from suffering; drinking the Kool Aid that if we treat others well, pay our taxes, go to church, and follow the rules that we’ve earned a life of little hardship. And because we have so fully embraced this lie, we often get very angry at life and maybe at God and at anyone and everyone we can find to blame. We can find ourselves stuck in the “it ain’t right” and the “what ifs” and the “why me?” and the old classic… “IT’S NOT FAIR!”

And these experiences aren’t right, and could have been different, and shouldn’t be happening to you and aren’t fair. Yet they happen anyway. And they also happen to everyone; this is simply a part of being human. Suffering is universal, part of the contract of living, whether we remember signing on the dotted line or not.

The issue I take up with this lie is that it adds depths to the pain and despair of these moments. It keeps us stuck, it shuts down our ability to see goodness, it makes us afraid and closed off. It traps us from our personal responsibility to rise and heal ourselves. It steals our ability to find even fleeting moments of joy and gratitude.

Now please do not misunderstand me, when pain comes our way, we need to feel all the feelings- anger, grief, betrayal, and even the numbness. Experiencing these feelings is a necessary part of the process that moves us toward healing. We must feel them deeply…. Then, (and this is the crux) ask ourselves this question: how can I respond to this moment with grace, courage and love? This is our task, my friends, when life rocks us to our core. Grace. Courage. Love. And hold on like hell to any moments of joy. Celebrate them. Express gratitude for them. They still exist and will return again if we allow ourselves to remain open.

For those of you have gone through a trauma (or more than one), such as what I have described above, you know it irrevocably changes the way we experience the world. One day life feels safe and predictable, the next all has changed. A wonderful mentor of mine once said this to me: “Life has always been unfair, unpredictable, and full of hardship. The veil has simply been lifted for you. That’s called wisdom.”

I need to give credit where credit is due as these lessons were gifted to me in my own moments of suffering. Thank you: Dave Phillips, Vikki Reynolds, Chris, Cath, Shawna, and my Onion ladies, you know who you are.

As always, wishing you peace,

Christina