Shame when you're happy? Crazy-talkin' Janina say WHAT!!? 
February 21, 2018

I went to a training a while back, and as part of said training we watched a video on shame by a brilliant woman, Dr. Janina Fisher. Talking about shame has become more popularized by folks like Brene Brown and Oprah, but if you don’t “nerd out” by reading books and watching Ted Talks about emotional and spiritual growth (as I do) let me give you a quick run-down of the basics:

·Shame and guilt are two different emotions. Guilt, considered healthy, is the uncomfortable feeling we get when we have transgressed our own values. Perhaps we have harmed someone, or lied, perhaps not been as true to our integrity as we should have been. It is about behavior , and it pushes us to make amends and do better.

·Shame, on the other hand, is often a full-body wave of worthlessness. I personally believe it is the most painful feeling of feelings. Shame is a belief that we ourselves are somehow inherently flawed, unlovable, dirty, disgusting and generally less-than everyone else. Shame is triggered by rejection, humiliation, making mistakes, and exposure (as in, having others see our less-than self).

As a therapist, but also simply as a human, I’m relatively well-versed on the concept of shame.

But on that rainy night of training, Janina Fisher said something that literally blew… my… mind. She started with: “shame is triggered by criticism, negative feedback, mistakes…” (blah blah blah, I get it) “… and success, visibility, self-assuredness, and when we are proud and happy.” SAY WHAT??!!! Happy? Proud? Success? How could shame be at the centre of these positive experiences?

As I sifted this crazy idea through my understanding of shame, I realized how much it made sense. If one struggles with an underlying, lingering, vulnerability to shame and worthiness, then any form of exposure- even the good stuff, can be terrifying. Receive accolades, believe you’re not deserving (and, ugh, that people will find out). Enter a new and happy relationship, experience the fear of being exposed as bad or (worse) unlovable. Demonstrate pride, and fear the backlash of a culture that values humility and would accuse us of arrogance. Struggling with worthiness can permeate all facets of life, so why would our moments of greatness be exempt? In fact, these moments simply make us more vulnerable to exposure, rejection, mistakes and all things terrible that trigger shame. It’s a lot safer to keep our feet off any pedestals than risk falling off one.

So why is this news flash (and for me, profound “lightbulb moment”) important?

In grade school these days we are teaching children to name their feelings because we know that correctly naming and identifying an emotion is the first step to regulating, working with, and healing it. Otherwise, we are flying blind and very much at the whim of whatever feeling is running the show. What I’ve found is that a lot of folks are naming all sorts of feelings as anxiety, depression, and anger (to name a few) that when distilled to their purest form, end up being shame. It is particularly mystifying for people whose lives are otherwise going quite well to struggle with a general emotional malaise or desperate flood of awful feeling and not understand the source.

I challenge you to reflect. Is it possible that the root source of your own difficulties with anxiety, depression, anger, people pleasing, or control might actually be about shame? You’ll know this to be the case if worthiness and exposure are involved. Think self-sabotage, difficulties accepting compliments or praise, or gross feelings when you dare to "take up space" in the world and shine.

Healing shame is a process, and certainly not one addressed by this post. But the first, and I daresay, one of the most important steps of this process is accurately recognizing and naming it. In that alone we can experience some freedom.

As always, wishing you peace,

Christina

By Christina Henderson June 4, 2025
Stay tuned: Fall 2024 Clients and community members will be invited to share their art- on what it means to be human, to suffer and to heal.
long wooden bridge pathway in a lush forest representing the feeling of wading through anxiety and depression
By Christina Henderson June 4, 2025
I often struggle with the concept of clinical diagnosis, in particular the common ones in our culture: anxiety and depression. My issue is simple: we too often take normal and valid feelings, that are part of the human experience, then medicalize them as problematic. The response then is to “get rid of” rather than be curious about what these emotions are trying to communicate to us. I have my own experience with on-again, off-again depression. When it’s at its worst, I’d certainly meet clinical criteria: a sense of hopelessness, low mood and motivation, isolation, wanting to sleep a lot but finding it evasive, lack of enjoyment for anything I have loved. You know the drill. But when we start to untangle the why, really look deeply at the list of ingredients making up this soup of depression (or anxiety or other struggles), we begin to realize that these feelings, in fact, make perfect sense. And they are trying to communicate something to us that deserves a listen. Rather than banish the depression or ignore the anxiety, we need to dig a little deeper. And your unique blend of experiences, or your soup (if you will), will help you figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself better. In my case, depression is almost ALWAYS trying to tell me I’m burnt out. It is the only part of me that will put me to bed, remove all pressure for productivity or replying to messages or emails. It wants or needs nothing from me except rest. Clients I work with might notice their depression is driven by underlying shame, or by feeling lost or stuck in their life. They might be carrying grief from losses not yet named or processed. Anxiety too- the world is a scary place right now, and we are so overly exposed to global and local traumas. Perhaps you didn’t feel safe in childhood and that fear has been carried in your body in your adult life. Perhaps you really are in an unsafe situation and your fear is trying to communicate this lack of safety to you. What I am trying to say is… A diagnosis of depression or anxiety does nothing to improve our well-being on a deeper level. We must become detectives of our own suffering. Only then can we learn to move with more self-compassion and grace, to set boundaries when needed, to let go of what we cannot control, to figure out what specialists we may need to see, to rest when we need to, to grieve the losses of our lifetime, and to feel the fears of uncertainty that we all face, every single day. This is where counselling helps. This is what we do. We help you untangle the mess, learn your ingredients, heal what needs to be healed so you can do what you need to do to feel better. Or to simply be with yourself more kindly when it hurts. Sending love,  Christina
woman reads a book and drinks tea learning about surviving love and loss
By Christina Henderson August 3, 2023
“To be human is to survive love and loss.” – Francis Weller
Show More