Love is a Verb
June 9, 2016

Too many relationship atrocities are committed in the name of love. I’ve seen it in my own life, and I’ve seen it in the counselling space. Partners who judge, criticize, control, demean, betray, and ignore. Couples who treat each other with complete and utter disdain and contempt. When I meet these people I always ask: “Why do you stay? What keeps you together?” More often than not, if it’s not for the children, the response is: “Well, I love them.”

Now being humbly and imperfectly human, I cannot claim to be an expert on love. In the deepest part of my spiritual self, I believe love is the ultimate life lesson. A life lesson that often seems impossibly hard to achieve in the face of such challenging demands on our physical and emotional selves. Nevertheless, I think it is what we should each aspire towards, each day.

Now this will come as no surprise to anyone who has actually been in a long-term relationship, but we have been fed a whole lot of garbage about love and romance. And the greatest lie of all: love is a feeling.

People! Feelings are fickle creatures. With our partners we can feel passion, affection, intimacy, anger, resentment, emptiness, and then back to passion again, all in the same week. Plain and simple, love is much more than a feeling.

Love is a verb. Love is an action. Love is a choice. One we make every day. Love is something we give . And hopefully, when we are out there picking our life partners, we pick one who is capable of giving love back in return. Now that, my friends, is the makings of a happy, healthy, relationship.

What are the actions of love? The best description I’ve come across is from an often cited biblical verse that I think holds relevance for everyone, regardless of spiritual beliefs. About love, Corinthians 13:4-8 says:

  • It is patient
  • It is kind
  • It does not envy
  • It is humble
  • It does not dishonor
  • It is selfless
  • It is not easily angered
  • It does not keep score
  • It is full of truth and honesty
  • It protects
  • It perseveres

And I’d like to add:

  • It accepts unconditionaly
  • It respects
  • It takes responsibility
  • It forgives

Love calls us out of a pattern of taking, blaming, and victimhood (no easy task given our programming), and instead requires us to embody those above characteristics.

If you are in a relationship that is on the rocks, or maybe you’re struggling with the thought: “I don’t even know if I love them,” or simply, perhaps you recognize there’s room for growth in your relationship, there are some questions you can ask yourself to guide you on this journey.

On most given days (taking into account some days are less than our best, and certain life seasons requires one partner gives more):

  • Am I able and willing to be patient and kind?
  • Am I able and willing to accept all of my partner, even the bits I don’t particularly like?
  • Am I willing to protect them?
  • Am I willing to be truthful and honest?
  • Have I dealt with my own emotional baggage so anger, jealousy, manipulation, and control are kept to a minimum?
  • Can I love without keeping score?
  • Can I take responsibility for my actions and shortcomings?
  • Can I forgive and move forward without resentment?

I won’t offer up advice on how to proceed once you’ve worked through these questions because each relationship holds within it complex histories and dynamics. What I can say, is that both you and your partner deserve a relationship where you can answer “yes” to the above questions. If your answers lean towards “no” or land in grey areas, it’s likely a signal that personal work and/or relationship choices need to be made.

What I also want to make clear, is that it’s not a personal failing if you cannot answer “yes.” If we are in relationship with a person who is unable to embody the characteristics of love, and unwilling to acknowledge the harm they are causing, it is okay if we love ourselves enough to say “no.”

What I also want you to take from this blog is that love is not an elusive thing. It is within you, always.

If you are struggling in relationship, I can’t overemphasize seeking support and guidance. Relationships can be both the hardest, and most beautiful thing in the world.

Wishing you peace,

Christina

By Christina Henderson June 4, 2025
Stay tuned: Fall 2024 Clients and community members will be invited to share their art- on what it means to be human, to suffer and to heal.
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By Christina Henderson June 4, 2025
I often struggle with the concept of clinical diagnosis, in particular the common ones in our culture: anxiety and depression. My issue is simple: we too often take normal and valid feelings, that are part of the human experience, then medicalize them as problematic. The response then is to “get rid of” rather than be curious about what these emotions are trying to communicate to us. I have my own experience with on-again, off-again depression. When it’s at its worst, I’d certainly meet clinical criteria: a sense of hopelessness, low mood and motivation, isolation, wanting to sleep a lot but finding it evasive, lack of enjoyment for anything I have loved. You know the drill. But when we start to untangle the why, really look deeply at the list of ingredients making up this soup of depression (or anxiety or other struggles), we begin to realize that these feelings, in fact, make perfect sense. And they are trying to communicate something to us that deserves a listen. Rather than banish the depression or ignore the anxiety, we need to dig a little deeper. And your unique blend of experiences, or your soup (if you will), will help you figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself better. In my case, depression is almost ALWAYS trying to tell me I’m burnt out. It is the only part of me that will put me to bed, remove all pressure for productivity or replying to messages or emails. It wants or needs nothing from me except rest. Clients I work with might notice their depression is driven by underlying shame, or by feeling lost or stuck in their life. They might be carrying grief from losses not yet named or processed. Anxiety too- the world is a scary place right now, and we are so overly exposed to global and local traumas. Perhaps you didn’t feel safe in childhood and that fear has been carried in your body in your adult life. Perhaps you really are in an unsafe situation and your fear is trying to communicate this lack of safety to you. What I am trying to say is… A diagnosis of depression or anxiety does nothing to improve our well-being on a deeper level. We must become detectives of our own suffering. Only then can we learn to move with more self-compassion and grace, to set boundaries when needed, to let go of what we cannot control, to figure out what specialists we may need to see, to rest when we need to, to grieve the losses of our lifetime, and to feel the fears of uncertainty that we all face, every single day. This is where counselling helps. This is what we do. We help you untangle the mess, learn your ingredients, heal what needs to be healed so you can do what you need to do to feel better. Or to simply be with yourself more kindly when it hurts. Sending love,  Christina
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